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A large collection of famous quotes and jokes on a variety of topics. The Famous quotes search engine belowwill help you find individual famous quotations and famous jokes.
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Aries (March 21 - April 19) Today you will make new friends, one of whom will eventually borrow a large sum of money from you, prior to skipping town. Try to avoid fatty foods. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Good day to introduce a bit of randomness into your life. Try getting dressed in the dark, for example (it's what I do). Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Today you will develop a type of rubber overshoe that looks like dinosaur's feet. They will become wildly popular, after your appearance on the Letterman show. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) You will have a secret rendezvous with a representative of a large foreign corporation. The password will be "fling me a spicy burrito, Stanley." Unfortunately, you may have to say this to quite a few people before you find the right one. Leo (July 23 - August 22) You will be conducting naval maneuvers in the bathtub today, when you will have an unfortunate accident involving your toy submarine. The visit to the emergency room will be most embarrasing. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Today you will overhear people talking about you, and realize that you're an incredible bore who nobody likes. Go to the library and ask the librarian for advice. Libra (September 22 - October 22) You will accidentally step on someone's foot, and they will say "Ow!." That's when I usually say "No pain, no gain." Sometimes people don't like me. I've never figured out why. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) You will win 12,000 cases of peanut brittle today, on a call-in game show. That's a LOT of peanut brittle, as it turns out. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Good day to begin writing that book you've been planning -- "Growing Radishes Indoors". It's an idea whose time has come. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) This week you will feel like corn. Just not like having any. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Time heals all wounds, yes. But that's not really intended to mean that you should tie Time magazine around your sprained ankle. It's a figure of speech, you see, not meant to be taken literally. I have heard, however, that Newsweek is good for gout. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Something is about to become overly intimate with you. Intimacy can be good. Just not with fungus. |
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