You Can Tell It's Going to Be a Bad Day When...
You wake up face down on the pavement.
You put your bra on backwards and it fits better.
You call Suicide Prevention and they put you on hold.
You see a "60 Minutes" news team waiting in your office.
(Note: this is VERY likely to happen in a government office!)
Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.
You want to put on the clothes you wore home from the party last night...
and there aren't any.
You turn on the news and they're showing emergency routes out of the city.
Your twin sister forgot your birthday.
Your car horn goes off accidentally and remains stuck as you
follow a group of Hell's Angels on the highway.
Your boss tells you not to bother taking off your hat.
The bird singing outside your window is a buzzard.
You wake up and your braces are locked together.
You walk to work, get there, and realize your dress is
stuck in the back of your pantyhose.
You call your answering service and they tell you it's none of your business.
Your blind date turns out to be your ex-wife.
Your income tax refund check bounces.
You put both contact lenses in the same eye.
Your pet rock snaps at you.
Your wife says, "Good morning, Bill" and your name is George.
author...unknown...but troubled
The bad things we eat
A dietitian was addressing a
large audience in Chicago.
"The material we put into our
stomachs is enough to have
killed most of us sitting
here, years ago.
"Red meat is awful. Soft
drinks erode your stomach
lining. Chinese food is
loaded with MSG. Vegetables
can be disastrous, and none of
us realizes the long-term harm
caused by the germs in our
drinking water.
"But there is one thing that
is the most dangerous of all
and we all have, or will, eat
it. Can anyone here tell me
what food it is that causes
the most grief and suffering
for years after eating it?"
A 75-year-old man in the
front row stood up and said,
"Wedding cake."
Osama is bad
Smart little girl - a Valentine for Osama Bin Laden
Little Melissa comes home from first grade and tells her father that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day.
"Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint and we're Jewish," she asks, "will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?"
Melissa's father thinks a bit, then says "No, I don't think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a valentine to?"
"Osama Bin Laden," she says. "Why Osama Bin Laden," her father asks in shock.
"Well," she says, I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could have enough love to give Osama a valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and sent valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore."
Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with newfound pride. "Melissa, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard."
"I know," Melissa says, "and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines could blow the @#*@ out of him."
Season Pass?
On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, giving them the rules of campus. "The female dorm will be out-of-bounds for all male students, as will the male dorm for female students. Anyone caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 for the first offence, $60 for the second offense, and $180 if you're caught a third time."
A male student in the crowd yelled out, "How much for a season pass?"
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