How to Survive College

Minimize food budget by scheduling classes around Happy Hour.

Enjoy being a Sophomore -- It will be the best three years of your life.

Wear an athletic cup to panty raids, because it's all fun and games until someone loses their 'nads.

Lemon juice and baking soda make an excellent bong water stain remover.

Earn extra cash by parlaying chemistry knowledge into lucrative "home pharmaceuticals" business.

If an 8:00 am class is required for your major, change your major.

Boring lecture? Start a wave!

College-level algebra: 5 returnable bottles = 1 delicious Ramen Noodle dinner.

"I Phelta Thi" is not a real fraternity, except at state colleges.

Remember - almost no one complains when you puke in a dumpster.

Clever margin manipulation can turn a 4-page outline into a 100-page senior essay.

Football games were never meant to be observed by sober people.

Don't think of it as sleeping with your professor -- think of it as "acing Biology."

In a pinch, milk can be used as a beer substitute in your breakfast cereal.

College Dormitory Rules

On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules:

"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $25 the first time."

He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $75. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $225. Are there any questions?"

At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired: "How much for a season pass?"

Ways to be thrown out of Chemistry Lab

Deny the existence of chemicals.

Show up with a 55-gallon drum of fertilizer and express an interest in federal buildings.

Pretend an electron got stuck in your ear, and insist on describing the sound to others.

Consistently write three atoms of potassium as 'KKK.'

Give a cup of liquid nitrogen to a classmate and ask, "Does this taste funny to you?"

Mutter repeatedly, "Not again... not again... not again."

When it's very quiet, suddenly cry out, "My eyes!"

Begin pronouncing everything your immigrant lab instructor says exactly the way he/she says it.

Casually walk to the front of the room and urinate in a beaker. Especially effective for female students.

Pop a paper bag at the crucial moment when the professor is about to pour the sulfuric acid.