Computer Jokes
Computer Guy
I was having trouble with my computer, so I called the computer guy over to
my desk. He clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. As he was
walking away, I called after him, "So, what was wrong?"
And he replied, "It was an ID Ten T Error."
"What's an ID Ten T Error, in case I need to fix it again?"
He grinned. "Haven't you ever heard of an ID Ten T Error?"
"No," I replied.
"Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."
I wrote: I D 1 0 T
Moses and the Computer world
"Excuse me, Sir."
"Is that you again, Moses?"
"I'm afraid it is, Sir."
"What is it this time, Moses. More computer problems?"
"How did you guess?"
"I don't have to guess, Moses. Remember?"
"Oh, yeah, I forgot."
"Tell me what you want, Moses."
"But you already know. Remember?"
"Moses!"
"Sorry, Sir."
"Well, go ahead, Moses. Spit it out."
"Well, I have a question, Sir. You know those 'ten things' you sent me?"
"You mean the Commandments, Moses?"
"That's it. I was wondering if they were important."
"What do you mean 'were important,' Moses? Of course, they're important.
Otherwise I wouldn't have sent them to you."
"Well, sorry, but I lost them. I could say the dog ate them, but of course
you would see right through that."
"What do you mean 'you lost them'? Are you trying to tell me you didn't
save them, Moses?"
"No, Sir. I forgot."
"You should always save, Moses."
"Yeah, I know. You told me that before. I was going to, but I forgot.
I did send them to some people before I lost them though."
"And did you hear back from any of them?"
"You already know I did. What about the one guy who said he never uses
'shalt not'? Can he change the words a little bit?"
"Yes, Moses. As long as he doesn't change the meaning."
"And what about the guy who thought your stance was a little harsh, and
recommended calling them the 'Ten Suggestions,' or letting people
pick one or two to try for a while?"
"Moses, I'll act like I didn't hear that."
"I think that means 'no.' Well, what about the guy who said I was scamming
him?"
"I think the term is 'spamming,' Moses."
"Oh, yeah. I E-mailed him back and told him I don't even eat that stuff,
and I have no idea how you can send it to someone through a computer."
"And what did he say?"
"You know what he said. He used Your name in vain. You don't think he might
have sent me one of those -- er -- plagues, and that's the reason I lost
those ten things, do you?"
"They're called 'viruses,' Moses."
"Whatever! This computer stuff is just too much for me. Can we just go back
to those stone tablets? It was hard on my back taking them out and reading
them each day, but at least I never lost them."
"We'll do it the new way, Moses."
"I was afraid you would say that, Sir."
"Moses, what did I tell you to do if you messed up?"
"You told me to hold up this rat and stretch it out toward the computer."
"It's a mouse, Moses. Mouse! Mouse! And did you do that?"
"No, I decided to try the technical support first. After all, who knows
more about this stuff than you, and I really like your hours. By the way,
Sir, did Noah have two of these mice on the ark?"
"No, Moses."
"One other thing. Why didn't you name them 'frogs' instead of
'mice,'because didn't you tell me the thing they sit on is a pad?"
"I didn't name them, Moses. Man did, and you can call yours a frog if you
want to."
"Oh, that explains it. Kind of like Adam, huh, sir? I bet some woman told
him to call it a mouse. After all, wasn't it a woman who named one of the
computers Apple?"
"Say good night, Moses."
"Wait a minute, sir. I am stretching out the mouse, and it seems to be
working. Yes, a couple of the 'ten things' have come back."
"Which ones are they, Moses?"
"Let's see. 'Thou shalt not steal from any grave an image' and 'Thou shalt
not uncover thy neighbor's wife.'"
"Turn the computer off, Moses. I'm sending you another set of stone
tablets."
Internet Addicts Anonymous - Internet Addiction
Your name was given to us by a spouse or family member who is concerned about your internet addiction. At Internet alcoholics Anonymous, we can help.
Yes, you--we're talking to you. You, looking at this screen for hours on end, online. You, bleary eyed. You, an addict. Have you looked in the mirror lately? Been outside? Know what day of the week it is?
Have you checked downstairs to see if your family still
lives with you? We're a non-profit society of recovering addicts like yourself that provides support and counseling through weekly (off-line) meetings
designed to help you cope with your problem.
We feature a twelve-step recovery program and in extreme cases, interventions. Although it is our firm belief that you are never "cured," you most certainly can recover.
We have designed a brief checklist to determine if you are an addict.
Do you:
1) Have twitches of the hand when you walk by your terminal?
2) Check e-mail more than five times a day?
3) Spend more time chatting than eating or sleeping?
4) Surf aimlessly with no direction, if only to be online?
5) Leave your name and information at countless sites if
only to hope you'll receive a reply one day from a company you'll never do business with anyway?
6) Log on before important personal habits, such as meal preparation, hygiene or bodily functions?
7) Have red, swollen eyes that hang halfway out of your
head?
8) Spend hours online on a holiday from work, where you'd usually be griping about your carpal tunnel syndrome?
9) See smoke arising from your computer or WebTV box?
10) All of the above?
If you answered yes to four or more questions (or chose #10), you have a problem. Please call us at
at: 1-800-LOGOFFNOWFORPETE'SSAKE Internetaholics Anonymous
We're here, we're free, and we're confidential. The first
step to recovery is admission that you have a problem. Call us today!
That is, if you can power off to free up your phone line:)
Hell hath no fury
Computers can get you in trouble if you don't know how
to use them. A couple from Minneapolis decided to go
to Florida for a long weekend to thaw out during one
particularly icy winter.
Because both had jobs, they had difficulty
coordinating their travel schedules. It was decided
that the husband would fly to Florida on a Thursday,
and his wife would follow him the next day.
Upon arriving as planned, the husband checked into the
hotel. There he decided to open his laptop and send
his wife an e-mail back in Minneapolis. However, he
accidently left off one letter in her address, and
sent the e-mail without realizing his error.
In Houston, a widow had just returned from her
husband's funeral. He was a minister of many years
who had been 'called home to glory' following a heart
attack.
The widow checked her e-mail, expecting messages from
relatives and friends.
Upon reading the first message, she fainted and fell
to the floor. The widows son rushed into the room,
found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer
screen which read:
To: My Loving Wife
From: Your Departed Husband
Subject: I've Arrived!
I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see
that everything has been prepared for your arrival
tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope
your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
P.S. Sure is hot down here!
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