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putting
Playing golf with his buddies, my grandfather had to make a slick 25-foot putt. As he lined it up, he announced, "I have a dollar bill that says I can make this putt. Does anyone want to bet?"
His three friends eagerly agreed to the wager. My grandfather missed the putt by ten feet, and his friends gathered around to collect their money. Granddad pulled out a dollar bill on which he had written, "I can make this putt."
His pals are still trying to collect on the bet and grandpa is too.
Questions
F1: I just don't understand the attraction golf holds for men.
F2: TELL me about it! I went golfing with my ex one time, and he told me I asked too many questions!
F1: Well, I'm sure you were just trying to understand the game. What questions did you ask?
F2: I thought I asked legitimate questions.... like, "Why did you hit the ball into that lake?"
The Golf Game
A fellow is getting ready to tee-off on the first hole when
a second fellow approaches and asks if he can join him. The
first says that he usually plays alone but agrees to let the
second guy join him.
Both are even after the first couple of holes. The second guy
says, "Say, we're about evenly matched, how about we play for
five bucks a hole?"
The first fellow says that he usually plays alone and doesn't
like to bet but agrees to the terms. Well, the second guy wins
the rest of the holes and as they're walking off of the
eighteenth hole, and while counting his $80.00, he confesses
that he's the pro at a neighboring course and likes to pick
on suckers.
The first fellow reveals that he's the Parish Priest at the
local Catholic Church to which the second fellow gets all
flustered and apologetic and offers to give the Priest back
his money. The Priest says, "No, no. You won fair and square
and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings."
The pro says, "Well, is there anything I can do to make it
up to you?"
The Priest says, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and
make a donation. Then, if you bring your mother and father by
after Mass, I'll marry them for you."
 
Slow Golfers
A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.
The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude"
The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greens-keeper. Let's have a word with him."
[dramatic pause]
"Hi George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
The greens-keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."
The group was silent for a moment.
The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"
A Good Example
A bum asked a man on the street for two dollars.
"Will you buy booze?" the man asks, to which the bum replies,"No."
"Will you gamble it away?" Once again the bum replies, "No."
"Will you make bets at the golf course?" Once again the bum replies "No, I don't play golf"
Then the man asks, "Will you come home with me so my wife can see what happens to a man who doesn't drink, gamble or play golf?"
Fore Better or Worse!
In primitive society, when native tribes beat the ground with clubs and yelled, it was called witchcraft; today, in civilized society, it is called golf.
Golf is an expensive way of playing marbles.
Golf is a game in which the slowest people in the world are those in front of you, and the fastest are those behind.
Golf: A five mile walk punctuated with disappointments.
The secret of good golf is to hit the ball hard, straight and not too often.
There's no game like golf: you go out with three friends, play eighteen holes, and return with three enemies.
Golf was once a rich man's sport, but now it has millions of poor players.
An amateur golfer is one who addresses the ball twice: once before swinging, and once again after swinging.
Many a golfer prefers a golf cart to a caddy because the cart cannot count, criticize or laugh.
5
 
The Laws of Golf
LAW 1: Golf should be given up at least twice per month.
LAW 2: All vows taken on a golf course shall be valid only until the sunset.
LAW 3: The more expensive (and newer) the golf ball, the greater its attraction to water.
LAW 4: No matter what causes a golfer to muff a shot, all his playing partners must solemnly chant, "You looked up," or invoke the wrath of the universe.
LAW 5: Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play. If one does, the tree is breaking a law of the universe and should be cut down.
LAW 6: Golf balls from the same "sleeve" tend to follow one another, particularly out of bounds or into the water (See Law 3).
LAW 7: No matter how bad your last shot was, the worst is yet to come.
LAW 8: A golfer hitting into your group will always be bigger than anyone in your group. Likewise, a group you accidentally hit into will consist exclusively of 300-pound gorillas.
LAW 9: Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by your worst round ever. The probability of the latter increases with the number of people you tell about the former.
LAW 10: Sand is a living entity, and must be treated with kindness and respect. If it isn't, how do you explain the way it always works against you?
LAW 11: Golf carts always run out of juice at the farthest point from the clubhouse.
LAW 12: The last three holes of a round will automatically adjust your score to what it really should be.
Religious Joke
Jesus, Moses and an old bearded man are golfing. Jesus tees up, hits his drive straight toward the hole, only to find it bouncing toward the lone water hazard on the course. It flys to the water, stops and hovers just above the pond.
Jesus approaches the pond, walks to its middle, and hits the hovering ball to within inches of the cup. Moses steps up to
the tee, and finds his drive approaching the same water hazard. He raises his club, the pond waters part, and the ball
comes to rest just shy of the cup. The older man hits a poor drive, it screams onto a nearby road, ricochets off a
truck, and hits the water. A frog intercepts it, only to be picked up by a passing eagle.
Frog and ball are lifted skyward, only to be dropped by the eagle to within inches of the cup. In his scramble to get away, the frog hits the hall, knocking it into the cup for a perfect hole in one.
Moses looks to Jesus, and says, " Boy, I hate golfing with your dad!!"
Bee Sting
An attractive young woman had been taking golf lessons. She had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting. The pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse. Her golf pro saw her come into the clubhouse and asked, "Why are you back so early? What's wrong?"
"I was stung by a bee," was her reply. "Where?" he asked. "Between the first and second hole." He nodded knowingly and said, "Then your stance is too wide."
Caddy: Let me say this about your game, mister. I wouldn't say you were the worst golfer I have seen on this course, but I've seen places today that I've never seen before.
"Look," the golfer screamed at his caddy,
"If you don't keep your big mouth shut, you'll drive me out of my mind."
"That's no drive, mister," corrected the caddy. "That's a putt."
Golfer: Notice any improvement since last year?
Caddy: Polished your clubs, didn't you?
Golfer: Why do you keep looking at your watch?
Caddy: This isn't a watch, sir. It's a compass.
Golfer: The doctor says I can't play golf.
Caddy: Oh, he's played with you, too, huh?
Golfer: "Caddy, why didn't you see where that ball went?"
Caddy: "Well, it doesn't usually go anywhere.
5
Connie: I just don't understand the attraction golf holds for men.
Barbara: Me too, I went golfing with my ex one time, and he told me I ask too many questions!
Connie: Well, I'm sure you were just trying to understand the game. What questions did you ask?
Barbara: I thought I asked legitimate questions.... like, "Why did you hit the ball into that lake?"
 
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