Bills
A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. Their con-
versation was constantly interrupted by people describing
their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical
advice. After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked
the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you
for legal advice when you're out of the office?"
"I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send
them a bill."
The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try. The
next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared
the bills.
When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill
from the lawyer.
Medical tests
A man runs into the vet's office carrying his dog, screaming for help. The vet rushes him back to an examination room and has him put his dog down on the examination table. The vet examines the still, limp body and after a few moments tells the man that his dog, regrettably, is dead. The man, clearly agitated and not willing to accept this, demands a second opinion.
The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat and puts the cat down next to the dog's body. The cat sniffs the body, walks from head to tail poking and sniffing the dog's body and finally looks at the vet and meows. The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead too."
The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead. The vet brings in a black Labrador. The lab sniffs the body, walks from head to tail, and finally looks at the vet and barks. The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the lab thinks your dog is dead too."
The man, finally resigned to the diagnosis, thanks the vet and asks how much he owes. The vet answers, "$650."
"$650 to tell me my dog is dead?" exclaimed the man....
"Well," the vet replies, "I would only have charged you $50 for my initial diagnosis. The additional $600 was for the cat scan and lab tests."
Memory tests
Three elderly men are at the doctor's office for a memory test. The doctor asks the first man, "What is three times three?"
"274," came the reply.
The doctor rolls his eyes and looks up at the ceiling, and says to the second man, "It's your turn. What is three times three?"
"Tuesday," replies the second man. The doctor shakes his head sadly, then asks the third man, "Okay, your turn. What's three times three?"
"Nine," says the third man.
"That's great!" says the doctor. "How did you get that?"
"Simple," he says, "just subtract 274 from Tuesday."
Embarrassing Medical Stories
A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her
baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I
noticed that there were several cabs, and I was in the wrong one.
Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio, TX
At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly
and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall.
"Big breaths," I instructed.
"Yes, they used to be," remorsefully replied the patient.
Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA
One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife
that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not
more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of
the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart."
Dr. Susan Steinberg! , Manitoba, Canada
I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity
test. I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began,
"Cover your right eye with your hand."
He read the 20/20 line perfectly.
"Now your left." Again, a flawless read "Now both," I requested.
There was silence. He couldn't even read the large E on the top
line. I turned and discovered that he had done exactly what I had
asked; he was standing there with both his eyes covered.
I was laughing too hard to finish the exam.
Dr. Matthew Theodropolous, Worcester, MA
During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his
cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having
trouble with one of his medications.
"Which one?" I asked.
"The patch. The nurse told me to put on a new on every six
hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!"
I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I
wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his
body! Now the instructions include removal of the old
patch before applying a new one.
Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk, VA
While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked,
"How long have you been bedridden?"
After a look of complete confusion she answered ...
"Why, not for about twenty years--when my husband was alive."
Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis, OR
I was caring for a woman from Kentucky and asked, "So, how's
your breakfast this morning?"
"It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get
used to the taste," the patient replied I then asked to see the jelly
and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly."
Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit, MI
And Finally . . . .
A new, young MD doing his residency in OB was quite embarrassed performing female pelvic exams. To cover his embarrassment he
had formed a habit of whistling softly.
The middle aged lady upon whom he was performing this exam
suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassed him. He
looked up from his work and sheepishly said, "I'm sorry. Was I
tickling you?"
She replied, "No doctor, but the song you were whistling was
'I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener."
Copyright © 1991-2004 Famous Quotes and Jokes Network
|
