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Bumper Stickers Sayings, quotes, and phrases found on bumper stickers My job is secure. No one else wants it. You've obviously mistaken me for someone who cares This is my other car! And on the eighth day, God went fishing Time is what keeps everything from happening at once Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain Don't steal. The government hates competition. We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated. Stop the violins. Visualize whirled peas. Gun Control isn't about guns. It's about control. There's too much youth; how about a fountain of smart. My computer doesn't understand me!! Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home. Horn broken. Watch for finger. I'm not an alcoholic. I'm a drunk. Alcoholics go to meetings Grandchildren are spoiled because you can't spank the Grandma! Eat well, stay fit, die anyway Support Capitol Punishment, Flog a Politician Today I'd rather be hunting Sometimes I wish life had subtitles Save the humans The gene pool could use a little chlorine! Hang up and drive! Proud member of the vast right-wing conspiracy I'd rather be fishing If you took an IQ test, the results would be negative I souport publik edukashun We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse Artificial intelligence usually beats real stupidity I'd rather be driving a golf ball I'm not always right, but I'm never wrong! Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway. A politician should do two terms - one in office and one in jail Tired of being around? Call Dr. Jack Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason. My other car bumper sticker is funny If all else fails .. lower your standards Bosses are like diapers. Full of shit and all over your ass! The religious right is neither It's hard to stumble when you're on your knees. Nuke the gay unborn baby whales for peace I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed person The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth. Don't laugh .. It's paid for! Time flies when you don't know what you're doing He who dies with the most toys, wins! My other car is a Porsche Cat: The other white meat I'm in no hurry, I'm on my way to work As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools. Of course I don't look busy, I did it right the first time Nothing is impossible for the person who doesn't have to do it The #1 cause of divorce is ... Marriage Don't take life too seriously. You won't get out alive. We are spending our kids inheritance. Life is sexually transmitted. Ever stop to think and forget to start again? Some days you're the Dog, & Some days you're the Hydrant If marriage were outlawed, only outlaws would have in-laws. Don't let school interfere with your education Indecision is the key to flexibility. My karma ran over your dogma I may be slow, but I'm ahead of you Shit happens! Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun. If it's tourist season then why can't we shoot them? Men have feelings too, but who really cares? And on the eighth day, God went skiing I need someone really bad. Are you really bad? Athletes love to score Not all women are fools. Some are single. There are two kinds of pedestrians... the quick and the dead. If everything is coming your way, then you're in the wrong lane Yes, I've heard of ""decaf."" What's your point? Insanity is hereditary - you get it from your children Procrastinate Later Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW! I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather ... not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car. I love cats, they taste just like chicken Men are idiots and I married their king Dijon vu - the same mustard as before. The best way to get on your feet is to get off your ass! Save the whales! Trade them for valuable prizes! Caution! Driver just doesn't give a shit anymore! Don't steal. The government hates competition. Have a crappy day God grant me patience. And I want it NOW! Impeach Clinton. And her husband. I'll do it tomorrow, I've made enuf mistakes today Remember when sex was safe and motorcycles were not! Caution! I brake for tailgaters Life's too short to date ugly women Liberals want misery spread equally I'm looking for true love. But I'll settle for cheap sex. Keep honking, I'm reloading. Love is free. It's diapers that are expensive In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday. Life would be so much easier if we just had the source code Annoy a liberal. Work hard and smile Proud to be an American Lottery! A tax on people who are bad at math Mean people suck Everybody wants to go to heaven but nobody wants to die If you drink, don't park. Accidents cause people! Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. I don't believe in miracles. I rely on them I am an escapee of a political correction facility. Your kid may be an honor student, but you're still an idiot! I still miss my Ex ... but my aim is improving Women who want to be equal to men lack ambition Computers cut my work in half and the boss expects me to put it all back together! Lead me not into temptation. I can find it myself! Give me coffee and no one will get hurt Sleep is a poor substitute for coffee Ignore your rights and they'll go away C code. C code run. Run, code, run! (please?) If you're rich, I'm single! This truck belongs to me. Everything else belongs to her The complaint department is closed! I don't suffer from insanity - I enjoy every minute of it Work is for people who don't know how to golf Get even. Live long enough to be a problem to your children Question Authority before it Questions You! A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well. Support the right to arm bears! I need someone really bad... are you really bad? Invest in America Buy a Congressman! A woman with a big fat ass should dump him Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you're an idiot! You can't fix stupid 24 hours in a day. 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I AM in shape. Round is a shape. Wanted: Meaningful overnight relationship My inferiority complex is not as good as yours. I've run out of sick days, so I'm calling in dead! Politically incorrect and proud of it Vegetables aren't food. Vegetables are what food eats. If you drink like a fish - swim, don't drive I don't give a damn what your other car is! Earth First. We'll screw up the other planets later. Warning! Driver only carries $20 in ammunition When I want your opinion, I'll give it to you A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle If you're not the lead dog, the scenery never changes Never put off till tomorrow what you can avoid altogether Gun control is being able to hit your target If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving is not for you I drive way too fast to worry about cholestrol Reality is the leading cause of stress Good planets are hard to find It hurts to be on the cutting edge. Jesus is coming! Look busy Same BS, different day I like your approach, let's see your departure Life's too short to date ugly men I said for better or for worse, not forever! If the van's a' rockin, don't come a' knockin Computer Literacy? You mean my computer is supposed to be able to read? Quiet! Genius at work Work is for people who don't surf the net! Men are pigs Growing old is inevitable. Growing up is optional. I love my country. It's the government I'm afraid of. I respect your opinion. Just don't want to hear it! Remember when Windows were washed, mice were trapped, and UNIX guarded the harem? Why should we trust the government with automatic weapons? Not afraid of heights - afraid of widths. I used to be schizophrenic, but we're OK now. WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship. What part of ""NO"" don't you understand? Panic now and avoid the rush I fight poverty, I work If men are from Mars, then why can't we send them back? The opposite of progress is Congress When the going gets tough, everybody leaves So you're a feminist...Isn't that cute! The best things in life aren't things If you can read this, you are too close! God's last name is not damnit! Even if you are on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there. America - Love it or leave it DAMM - Drunks against Mad Mothers I love my boss, I love my job, I'm self employed I always wanted to be a procrastinator; never got around to it. Life's a bitch and then you die! Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep. I'd rather be playing golf Life is like a box of chocolates .. full of nuts! To hell with the dog, beware of the owner I'm not as think as you drunk I am Was today really necessary? The more people I meet, the more I like my dog The computer revolution is over and the computers won! Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand. It's bad enough driving sober. Don't drive drunk If you can read this, I can hit my brakes and sue you! Few women admit their age ... Fewer men act theirs Honesty pays, but not enough Computers aren't intelligent. They just think they are. Sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off. If this car were a horse, I'd have to shoot it A bad day of golf beats a good day of working Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die. Ask me if I care! Good cowgirls keep their calves together Work is for people who don't know how to fish The ten commandments aren't multiple choice I don't deserve self esteem I'm not deaf. I'm just ignoring you. Proud to be a Democrat Learn from your parents mistakes - use birth control The mind is like a parachute; it works much better when it's open. Falwell and Robertson don't speak for me! I finally got it all together, but I forgot where I put it First they burn books then they burn people Ask me about my vow of silence I used to be indecisive, but now I'm not so sure. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere. I only look Sweet & Innocent You have the right to remain silent. So please SHUT UP. Work harder. Millions on welfare depend on you My other car is also a piece of junk And on the eighth day, God played golf If women are from Venus, then why can't we send them back? Conservatives suck A bad day of fishing beats a good day of working Meeting - an event at which the minutes are kept and the hours are lost. Not all men are fools. Some are single. If you think education is expensive, try ignorance Death Before Dishonor Nothing Before Coffee Proud to be a Republican I love cats. Want to trade recipes? It's not hard to meet expenses...they're everywhere. To err is human. To really screw up, you need a computer I'd rather be skiing Hey jerk, you are driving a car, not a phone booth I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce. My kid beat up your honor student Love is a 4-letter word It's easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them. The bunny and the snake Once upon a time, in a nice little forest, there lived a blind little bunny and a blind little snake. One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the snake was slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake and fell down. This, of course, knocked the snake about quite a bit. "Oh, my," said the bunny, "I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. I've been blind since birth, so, I can't see where I'm going. In fact, I don't even know what I am." "It's quite okay," replied the snake. "Actually, my story is much the same as yours. I, too, have been blind since birth. Tell you what, maybe I could kinda slither over you, and figure out what you are, so at least you'll have that going for you." "Oh, that would be wonderful," replied the bunny. So the snake slithered all over the bunny, and said, "Well, you're covered with soft fur; you have really long ears; your nose twitches; and you have a soft cottony tail. I'd say that you must be a bunny." "Oh, thank you! Thank you," cried the bunny in obvious excitement. The bunny suggested to the snake, "Maybe I could feel you with my paw, and help you the same way you've helped me." So the bunny felt the snake all over, and remarked, "Well, you're scaly and smooth, and you have a forked tongue, and no backbone. I'd say you must be either a politician, a lawyer, or possibly someone in upper management." Bills A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. Their con- versation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice. After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?" "I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill." The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try. The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills. When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer. Religious Golf Joke Jesus, Moses and an old bearded man are golfing. Jesus tees up, hits his drive straight toward the hole, only to find it bouncing toward the lone water hazard on the course. It flys to the water, stops and hovers just above the pond. Jesus approaches the pond, walks to its middle, and hits the hovering ball to within inches of the cup. Moses steps up to the tee, and finds his drive approaching the same water hazard. He raises his club, the pond waters part, and the ball comes to rest just shy of the cup. The older man hits a poor drive, it screams onto a nearby road, ricochets off a truck, and hits the water. A frog intercepts it, only to be picked up by a passing eagle. Frog and ball are lifted skyward, only to be dropped by the eagle to within inches of the cup. In his scramble to get away, the frog hits the hall, knocking it into the cup for a perfect hole in one. Moses looks to Jesus, and says, " Boy, I hate golfing with your dad!!" Hitting the Bottle A woman was trying hard to get the catsup to come out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her four-year old daughter to answer the phone. "It's the minister, Mommy," the child said to her mother. Then she added, "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle." Secret Service? A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside: The Pastor said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!" My friend replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor." Pastor questioned, "How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?" He whispered back, "I'm in the secret service." Oh, No!!! A new young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to help the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand. He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up. In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies. The head monk says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son." So, he goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscript is held in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot. So, the young monk gets worried and goes downstairs to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall. His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably.The young monk asks the old abbot, What's wrong, father?With a choking voice, the old abbot replies, "The word is 'celebrate'." Golf versus Bowling "One of the advantages of bowling over golf is that you seldom lose a bowling ball." --Don Carter (professional bowler) Ultimate pain The devil was holding a meeting with all the little demons. He stood up and said, "Well you poor useless lot of sissies, this guy Jesus is putting to much good in the world, you time wasters, you make me sick, you came to hell to make their life a misery; instead you wasting your time playing silly games, so what are you going to do about it?" Well, just then a small devil quite new to the job and very timid, sheepishly said, "O'lord of great darkness I know I'm not as powerful as you but may I make a suggestion? It seems to me if we could build them up and knock them down the pain would be so great we will soon gain control." Just as he said that a more experienced demon said, "You mean golf?" The devil himself interrupts saying, "Steady old man, we don't want to finish them off that quick." The devil made me do it The poor country pastor was livid when he confronted his wife with the receipt for a $250 dress she had bought. "How could you do this!" he exclaimed. "I don't know," she wailed, "I was standing in the store looking at the dress. Then I found myself trying it on. It was like the Devil was whispering to me, 'Gee, you look great in that dress. You should buy it.'" "Well," the pastor persisted, "You know how to deal with him! Just tell him, "Get behind me, Satan!" "I did," replied his with “you look great from here too.” 12 Days of Christmas Re-Examined in Light of Competition *12 Days of Christmas* Re-Examined in Light of Competition Global challenges require the North Pole to continue to take more competitive steps. Effective immediately, the following economy measures are to take place in the "Twelve Days of Christmas" subsidiary. The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree never turned out to be the cash crop forecasted. It will be replaced by a plastic plant, providing savings in maintenance costs. The two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost effective. In addition, their romance during the working hours could not be condoned. The positions are, therefore, eliminated. The three French hens will remain intact and we may actually expand the number of hens used. A recent time-motion-profitability study proved that using illegal migratory fowl is extremely profitable as it eliminates the company's need to provide employee benefits because the hens do not meet federal residency requirements. The four calling birds were replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked. Once this information is determined, the Accounting Department will deduct the costs of any inappropriate non-business calls from their final paycheck. The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals as well as a mix of T-bills and high technology stocks appear to be in order. The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day is an example of their decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by the Personnel Department will assure management that from now on every goose it gets will be a good one. The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. Their function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes to better enhance their outplacement. As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the work force is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring, or a-motoring. Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps. Let me hasten to add that the company policy prohibits age discrimination. Should these individuals be asked to leave prior to their voluntary retirement, rest assured our Law Department will ensure an ironclad defense against an employee lawsuit. Ten Lords-a-Leaping is overkill. The high costs of Lords plus the expense of international air travel prompted the Compensation Committee to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work congressmen. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, significant savings should result due to the number of congressmen left unemployed by the election. Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback on new music and no uniforms will produce savings to the bottom line. Though incomplete, studies by our latest consultant indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop-ship in one day, service levels will be improved and we can expect a substantial reduction in the use of part-time personnel. Happy Holidays! Illegal Alien Illegal Alien Has Illegitimate Birth Baby Expected To Be Charged With Treason By Harold Kitchenmouse BETHLEHEM -- It was rumored today that an unmarried couple from Nazareth stopped in a manger owned by Alfredo Pinchi, a notorious local slumlord, and a baby was born. "There was no running water, and the place was filled with straw," commented local public health authorities. "We even found a donkey inside!" "The mother gave birth under extremely questionable circumstances," offered Pontius Pilate, Judean candidate for District Attorney. "She claims to have been a virgin." Unconfirmed reports indicate that Roman authorities are investigating the baby on charges of sedition and treason. "There are a bunch of people running around alleging that the baby is the son of God," explained Pilate, "and that he will have some radical ideas about religion in the future." Three Kings from the Orient were caught on the outskirts of Bethlehem by the Roman Border Patrol, carrying illegal contraband. "We caught them red-handed with frankincense and myrrh," explained an official with the Border Patrol. "And they didn't have any papers." The Kings were promptly arrested and deported to Syria. At virtually the same time as the baby was born, a bright star was sighted over Bethlehem. "This is an omen that things are about to radically change in the Empire due to Global Warming," commented Al Gore. If Santa Claus had a father, was there a Grandfather Clause? SCIENTIFICALLY SANTA There are approximately two billion children (persons under 18) in the world. However, since Santa does not visit children of Muslim, Hindu, Jewish or Buddhist (except maybe in Japan) religions, this reduces the workload for Christmas night to 15% of the total, or 378 million (according to the Population Reference Bureau). At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that comes to 108 million homes, presuming that there is at least one good child in each. Santa has about 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 967.7 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with a good child, Santa has around 1/1000th of a second to park the sleigh, hop out, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left for him, get back up the chimney, jump into the sleigh and get on to the next house. Assuming that each of these 108 million stops is evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false, but will accept for the purposes of our calculations), we are now talking about 0.78 miles per household; a total trip of 75.5 million miles, not counting bathroom stops or breaks. This means Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second--3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second, and a conventional reindeer can run (at best) 15 miles per hour. The payload of the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium sized Lego set (two pounds), the sleigh is carrying over 500 thousand tons, not counting Santa himself. On land, a conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that the "flying" reindeer could pull ten times the normal amount, the job can't be done with eight or even nine of them... Santa would need 360,000 of them. This increases the payload, not counting the weight of the sleigh, another 54,000 tons, or roughly seven times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth (the ship, not the monarch). 600,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance. This would heat up the reindeer in the same fashion as a spacecraft re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer would absorb 14.3 quintillion joules of energy per second each. In short they would burst into flames almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them and creating deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team would be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second, or right about the time Santa reached the fifth house on his trip. Not that it matters, however, since Santa, as a result of accelerating from a dead stop to 650 m.p.s. in .001 seconds, would be subjected to acceleration forces of 17,500 g's. A 250 pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of the sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force, instantly crushing his bones and organs and reducing him to a quivering blob of pink goo. Therefore, if Santa did exist, he's dead now. Christmas Signs Toy Store: "Ho, ho, ho spoken here." Bridal boutique: "Marry Christmas." Outside a church: "The Original Christmas Club." At a department store: "Big pre-Christmas sale. Come in and mangle with the crowd." A Texas jewelry store: "Diamond tiaras -- $70,000. Three for $200,000. A reducing salon: "24 Shaping Days until Christmas." In a stationery store: "For the man who has everything... a calendar to remind him when payments are due." Some Pick-Up Lines From Santa's Elves: "No, no, I don't bake cookies. You're thinking of those dorks at Keebler." "You'd look great in a Raggedy Ann wig." "I taught Santa everything he knows." "I'm a magical being. Take off your bra." "Even Santa doesn't make candy as sweet as you." "I've got the keys to the sleigh tonight." "I get a thimbleful of tequila in me and I turn into a wild man." "I can get you off the Naughty List." putting Playing golf with his buddies, my grandfather had to make a slick 25-foot putt. As he lined it up, he announced, "I have a dollar bill that says I can make this putt. Does anyone want to bet?" His three friends eagerly agreed to the wager. My grandfather missed the putt by ten feet, and his friends gathered around to collect their money. Granddad pulled out a dollar bill on which he had written, "I can make this putt." His pals are still trying to collect on the bet and grandpa is too. Questions F1: I just don't understand the attraction golf holds for men. F2: TELL me about it! I went golfing with my ex one time, and he told me I asked too many questions! F1: Well, I'm sure you were just trying to understand the game. What questions did you ask? F2: I thought I asked legitimate questions.... like, "Why did you hit the ball into that lake?" The Golf Game A fellow is getting ready to tee-off on the first hole when a second fellow approaches and asks if he can join him. The first says that he usually plays alone but agrees to let the second guy join him. Both are even after the first couple of holes. The second guy says, "Say, we're about evenly matched, how about we play for five bucks a hole?" The first fellow says that he usually plays alone and doesn't like to bet but agrees to the terms. Well, the second guy wins the rest of the holes and as they're walking off of the eighteenth hole, and while counting his $80.00, he confesses that he's the pro at a neighboring course and likes to pick on suckers. The first fellow reveals that he's the Parish Priest at the local Catholic Church to which the second fellow gets all flustered and apologetic and offers to give the Priest back his money. The Priest says, "No, no. You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings." The pro says, "Well, is there anything I can do to make it up to you?" The Priest says, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation. Then, if you bring your mother and father by after Mass, I'll marry them for you." Slow Golfers A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude" The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greens-keeper. Let's have a word with him." [dramatic pause] "Hi George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" The greens-keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime." The group was silent for a moment. The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight." The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them." The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?" A Good Example A bum asked a man on the street for two dollars. "Will you buy booze?" the man asks, to which the bum replies,"No." "Will you gamble it away?" Once again the bum replies, "No." "Will you make bets at the golf course?" Once again the bum replies "No, I don't play golf" Then the man asks, "Will you come home with me so my wife can see what happens to a man who doesn't drink, gamble or play golf?" Fore Better or Worse! In primitive society, when native tribes beat the ground with clubs and yelled, it was called witchcraft; today, in civilized society, it is called golf. Golf is an expensive way of playing marbles. Golf is a game in which the slowest people in the world are those in front of you, and the fastest are those behind. Golf: A five mile walk punctuated with disappointments. The secret of good golf is to hit the ball hard, straight and not too often. There's no game like golf: you go out with three friends, play eighteen holes, and return with three enemies. Golf was once a rich man's sport, but now it has millions of poor players. An amateur golfer is one who addresses the ball twice: once before swinging, and once again after swinging. Many a golfer prefers a golf cart to a caddy because the cart cannot count, criticize or laugh. 5 The Laws of Golf LAW 1: Golf should be given up at least twice per month. LAW 2: All vows taken on a golf course shall be valid only until the sunset. LAW 3: The more expensive (and newer) the golf ball, the greater its attraction to water. LAW 4: No matter what causes a golfer to muff a shot, all his playing partners must solemnly chant, "You looked up," or invoke the wrath of the universe. LAW 5: Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play. If one does, the tree is breaking a law of the universe and should be cut down. LAW 6: Golf balls from the same "sleeve" tend to follow one another, particularly out of bounds or into the water (See Law 3). LAW 7: No matter how bad your last shot was, the worst is yet to come. LAW 8: A golfer hitting into your group will always be bigger than anyone in your group. Likewise, a group you accidentally hit into will consist exclusively of 300-pound gorillas. LAW 9: Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by your worst round ever. The probability of the latter increases with the number of people you tell about the former. LAW 10: Sand is a living entity, and must be treated with kindness and respect. If it isn't, how do you explain the way it always works against you? LAW 11: Golf carts always run out of juice at the farthest point from the clubhouse. LAW 12: The last three holes of a round will automatically adjust your score to what it really should be. Religious Joke Jesus, Moses and an old bearded man are golfing. Jesus tees up, hits his drive straight toward the hole, only to find it bouncing toward the lone water hazard on the course. It flys to the water, stops and hovers just above the pond. Jesus approaches the pond, walks to its middle, and hits the hovering ball to within inches of the cup. Moses steps up to the tee, and finds his drive approaching the same water hazard. He raises his club, the pond waters part, and the ball comes to rest just shy of the cup. The older man hits a poor drive, it screams onto a nearby road, ricochets off a truck, and hits the water. A frog intercepts it, only to be picked up by a passing eagle. Frog and ball are lifted skyward, only to be dropped by the eagle to within inches of the cup. In his scramble to get away, the frog hits the hall, knocking it into the cup for a perfect hole in one. Moses looks to Jesus, and says, " Boy, I hate golfing with your dad!!" Bee Sting An attractive young woman had been taking golf lessons. She had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting. The pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse. Her golf pro saw her come into the clubhouse and asked, "Why are you back so early? What's wrong?" "I was stung by a bee," was her reply. "Where?" he asked. "Between the first and second hole." He nodded knowingly and said, "Then your stance is too wide." Caddy: Let me say this about your game, mister. I wouldn't say you were the worst golfer I have seen on this course, but I've seen places today that I've never seen before. "Look," the golfer screamed at his caddy, "If you don't keep your big mouth shut, you'll drive me out of my mind." "That's no drive, mister," corrected the caddy. "That's a putt." Golfer: Notice any improvement since last year? Caddy: Polished your clubs, didn't you? Golfer: Why do you keep looking at your watch? Caddy: This isn't a watch, sir. It's a compass. Golfer: The doctor says I can't play golf. Caddy: Oh, he's played with you, too, huh? Golfer: "Caddy, why didn't you see where that ball went?" Caddy: "Well, it doesn't usually go anywhere. 5 Connie: I just don't understand the attraction golf holds for men. Barbara: Me too, I went golfing with my ex one time, and he told me I ask too many questions! Connie: Well, I'm sure you were just trying to understand the game. What questions did you ask? Barbara: I thought I asked legitimate questions.... like, "Why did you hit the ball into that lake?"

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